"And we swagger because we do not know how to part with our rage, which we cherish and press cutting close, but we learn to swagger — or rather, we’re swaggered, briefly, while the wind blows and things burn and our hands are full — because we know it darkly all the same."
february is a slow, aching month. mornings are lighter but it still feels like the air is resistant and sullen, like the bored, abandoned sister of december and the distant cousin of spring. she stands on street corners smoking cigarettes at six in the evening and smiles when it rains, blowing damp smoke rings into the darkness. i am in a very low mental place lately and i want to blame it on pressing skies and rain and cold and endless nights, but it feels more like something darker and deep rooted and restless. i feel heavy and cold and lonely and i spend most my evenings stood waiting at bus stops, unearthing dead weeds under my eyes only to find ten more sprouting in the morning. days drag but night flits past so quickly, like burnt shadows of sodden leaves still falling, like a lighter flicked on and off. this is the darkest time of year, when the final days of winter stretch teasing and unyielding; somewhere, february stands on her street corner and smokes cigarette after cigarette, laughing.
a curiosity I learned by accident when I was eight years old: a nymphomaniac is not the same as a person addicted to sex, how the term is usually used, but it’s the designation for someone who finds sex very frustrating (for some physical or psychological issue) and then tends to engage in a lot more sexual activity trying to achieve sexual satisfaction. so because of this tendency, people with this behaviour ended up being associated with sex addiction
ain’t that nice
n. sadness that you’ll never be able to know how history will turn out, that you’ll dutifully pass on the joke of being alive without ever learning the punchline—the name of the beneficiary of all human struggle, the sum of the final payout of every investment ever made in the future—which may not suit your sense of humor anyway and will probably involve how many people it takes to change a lightbulb.